Yep. It’s over. It was a great run while it lasted. 

If you, like me, were impressed with yourself for knowing the common Gen Z parlance of “Rizz,” that time has come to an end. Trust me, if I use it in a blog post, its best days are behind it. 

Rizz is officially out of style. The youths will have to find another word to rebel with. 

Rizz comes from the word charizzma. It describes a person changing their personality to woo a mate. Turning on the charm, if you will. 

In days not so long gone by, meeting your significant other in a bar or at a party was a commonly recounted anecdote from couples. 

The idealized version goes something like: “I saw her from across the bar and I just knew I had to talk to her. So I walked up, laid down my best pickup line, got her laughing, and we just felt this instant connection.”

The more realistic version goes something like: “I was pretty drunk. I accidentally bumped into her. I said something stupid. She laughed out of pity, and beer goggles did the heavy lifting.”

Either way, the dating currency of the day was some combination of attraction, chemistry, and alcohol. 

In the era of the internet, charisma has become cliched. 

YouTube channels are dedicated to the art of wooing others with social nimbleness. Books have been written by pickup artists, showing that attraction and chemistry can be easily gamed. 

Unfortunately, the person you have felt the most chemistry with may just be a charismatic person who generates chemistry with everyone. Or worse still, they could be faking it and manipulating you by using skills they don’t naturally have. 

The internet has also enabled us to switch from an ‘attraction’ mindset to a ‘filter’ mindset by providing us with countless dating apps and services to find a perfectly curated match. 

Anyone who has spent time on dating apps can tell you it’s not a big improvement. Someone checks all your boxes, but 3 minutes in, you can tell it ain’t it. 

No matter how many boxes you have checked, you will be frustrated to find a general lack of attraction. Whatever list of features you convince yourself you need will be insufficient when actualized. 

Filter mindset also ignores the fact that love is path-dependent. There might be a great fit you miss out on because you met them while in a bad mood. Or the wrong conversation leads you to prematurely dismiss them. Or the timing was off.

Love is a dynamic dance. Not a math equation. Connection over perfection. 

So what is the way through? 

For the “attraction” mindset, sure, I guess you can try to be charismatic, but only if it comes from an honest place. 

For the “filter” mindset, I have given up on hard filters. I have eliminated them from my thinking. 

My experience with hard filters is that they are very dehumanizing and prevent you from having an honest relationship. I have soft filters that relate to my life principles. 

But, the more I have thought about it, there is something lacking in both these mindsets. And there’s a third way that I hadn’t thought of as much. 

The other reason people get together is that they are there. Present. Right in front of you. You can’t fall in love with someone if you never meet them. 

Historically, this is the most common reason for falling in love. She grew up in your village. She was in your kindergarten class. The girl next door… 

It may not feel like the grandest and most romantic reason in the modern world. To some, it may look like settling.

But, It’s a reminder that love may be many things, but one of them is that it’s a choice. More important than any of our silly filters and fancies is choosing every day to love the people you spend time with. And see the good in them. 

Life Update: I had a nice trip to Ireland despite the Florida State score. Drank a few too many Guinness.

I am headed to Atlanta next week.