The Purpose Driven Date

Louis CK made a joke titled, “Everything is Amazing, and Nobody is Happy.” He recounts a flight where they announced Wi-Fi would be offered on an experimental basis for the first time. 

A man pulls out his laptop and gets to work. Thirty minutes into the flight, the Wi-Fi goes out, and the guy says, “What the %$53? This is ^#% *$#!.” A half hour before, the guy did not know Wi-Fi was possible on flights. 

Now, he is entitled to it forever more. Or so the joke goes… 

When I went on a mission trip to an isolated rural village in the Dominican Republic when I was 16 years old, it was my first experience of so-called third-world poverty, and it opened me up to a question I have struggled with for the last 16 years. 

Are all the problems we deal with in the developed world trivial? You know, the famous joke about “first-world problems.” I’m not exaggerating to say that it has been an obsession and has haunted me ever since.

The simple answer is No. 

We may not deal with inescapable poverty, constant food/physical insecurity, and the absence of basic healthcare/education/electricity/transportation (and so on), but there are many legitimate problems. There is still cancer, drug addiction, homelessness, gun violence, and domestic/sexual abuse (among many others) that anyone would consider a “problem.”

Still, in the developed world, more people are more comfortable, live longer, and have more opportunities than people in underdeveloped countries. And it’s by a wide margin. 

Not only those in underdeveloped countries but what about those who came before us. I don’t know many people who would go back in time, even if it were as a monarch. Kings and Queens of the past lived shorter, more violent, less educated lives than many poor people live today.

I know what you are saying. “Of course, Connor. Everyone in our society knows this, is super-grateful for all we have, and accepts that we are in a Utopia. Unending, blissful joy abounds.” Ha.

Obviously not. Expecting people to be that way misunderstands the human brain.

Our brains are wired to scan the environment for threats, track our relative social position in society, and take what we have for granted. In other words, we are stuck with anxiety, comparing ourselves to others, and entitlement. Regardless of our environment.

But, the more I think about this problem, it’s actually worse than that.

In the internet age, we have access to more facts and information than ever before. But, hardly anyone would say we are better informed than before. 

Confirmation bias is a powerful drug. We choose to look up information that supports our beliefs and ignore information that contradicts them. The internet has supercharged this bias. Making us more uninformed than before.

If confirmation bias is exploding, maybe some others are too.

I have had many conversations over the past few years that are just plain bleak. So many people are convinced the world is going to hell, the economy is worse than ever, and the ‘American Dream’ is dead.

People point to ongoing global wars, elevated housing prices screwing the younger generation, Climate Change, and rising student debt, among other things—all legitimate problems.

Many see these issues as justification for not having children. How could you bring a child into such a terrible world? Also, very legitimate. It’s a tough and harsh world.

However, relative to underdeveloped countries and historical life, life has never been as comfortable. Most children born today have so many advantages that others never had. So what is really going on?

Anxiety, Social Comparison, and Entitlement cognitive distortions likely suffer from the same supercharging from the internet as confirmation bias. Bad news sells. And it’s everpresent. Social Media keeps us comparing ourselves to ridiculous standards of beauty and happiness. We are bombarded by the lifestyles of the rich and famous.

 Despite the increasing comforts, this makes life in the developed world much worse than before. It’s why we are all nostalgic for the 90s.

Our image of the good life is becoming unmoored from reality. And the gap is accelerating.

Peter Attia’s excellent podcast with the happiness researcher Arthur Brooks gave me great insight into the solution. Our happiness comes down to limiting our desires to only the most essential. We must reframe our image of the good life to something that is both realistic and beautiful.

Life Update: My amazing grandmother, Mary Daly, passed away a couple of weeks ago. Her funeral was a powerful celebration of her life. Permit me to share some excerpts of her obituary as she enjoyed reading my blog. Here is a link as well.

“Mary Hannah Bowler Daly was born in New York, New York, on June 30, 1932, to Michael and Margaret Bowler. She had three siblings who recently predeceased her: Bernadette Lavin, Patricia Frain, and Michael Bowler. She was raised in the Bronx and attended St. John Chrysostom School and Cathedral High School. After graduation, she became a secretary at Deloitte Haskins and Sells in Manhattan. 

Mary met her husband, John “Jack,” in third grade, but it wasn’t until after she graduated from high school and started working that they became an item. John enlisted in the Navy, and after completing his service commitment, they were married on June 11, 1955. They lived in New York City, Webster, and Rochester in New York and eventually moved to Lanham, Maryland, outside of Washington, D.C. Along the way, they had seven children: John (Lori) Daly, Michael Daly, Robert (June) Daly, William (Kim) Daly, James Daly, Maureen (Jeff) Branham, and Jeanne (David) Smith.

Mary was an important part of St. Margaret Mary Parish. She and Jack were instrumental in the Parish Retreat Program, the Cursillo movement, and Alpha-Peer Ministry. She volunteered on committees and served in many church ministries. 

Mary believed in the importance of education. She ensured all her children earned their college degrees, and when her youngest was in third grade, she pursued her own higher education journey. She went to Seminole Community College, now Seminole State, and then out to FTU, now known as UCF. She earned a bachelor’s degree in business and then a master’s degree in counseling and became a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. She worked at BETA and Lakeside Alternatives and eventually had her private practice for over fifteen years.”