A couple of years ago, I saw a woman post her credit score on her dating profile. While her credit card number, PIN, and SS number would have been more useful, I laughed. 

It turned out this became a viral internet trend. It was more endearing than most dating content, but it still exemplifies many of the problems with online dating. Issues like: what gets measured gets managed, a transactional mindset towards relationships, and, the focus of this post, failing the mirror test. 

Frequently, when people talk about relationships with me, they either say, “Never lower your standards. You deserve the world…” or something like that. Or they say, “Stop looking for someone who is perfect. Relationships are a work in progress.” 

Like many single people, I hear the same advice over and over, and usually, the two pieces of advice contradict one another. I don’t mind it. 

The first one miffs me. Lots of people have unrealistic, shallow, or downright silly standards, which have exploded in the age of the internet and dating app filtering. 

Looking for someone with a certain height, weight, job, or eye color has never been easier. Those shallow filters have always been challenging to search for and harder to find. But I will post about the filtering mindset later. 

The problem is that our interactions with social media, internet content, and dating apps distort our view of ourselves. 

When you post an Instagram story (I still can’t figure out how those work…) that doesn’t get likes or views, your self-confidence dips. When you get a match with someone out of your league, you get cocky. When that same person ghosts you on the first date, you feel like a fool, and the negative voice in your head says, “I told you so.”

Then, you decide to post AI-modified pictures to fix your crooked smile and sunburn and make the background sparkle. You get more matches with good-looking people who never call you back after the first date, justifying the inner voice even more. 

While this self-talk existed in the past, it is now justified on a macro level. The entire friend group, city, or internet has judged you to be inferior. You’re now not only failing in a relationship but failing by the world’s standards. 

Seeking external validation has always been a tricky problem. 

If you are searching for the hottest, richest, and “Rizziest” person, you will be a slave to other people’s opinions. You have chosen to value what everyone wants, so the competition is fierce. 

If you are looking for someone who is kind, consistent, and compatible with your values, you might get a good deal. 

Butttt, this is a distraction from “the Mirror Test.” Whether it’s your shallow standards or your moral standards, you should still be able to honestly look in the mirror and ask what you bring to a relationship. The best standard for what you’ll get out of a relationship is what you bring to the relationship. 

You want someone funny, you better be funny. You want someone hot, it’s easier if you are too. If you want someone who cares for others, it’s time to sign up for some charity work.

Amusingly, using the credit score on dating profiles example, you saw people complain on social media that people with 600 credit scores expected to date 800+ers. 

Most relationships have differences, and people bring different things to the table. However, healthy relationships are rarely strongly imbalanced. It’s better to go in with a realistic and positive vision of yourself. 

The goal of a relationship is not to get a “good deal.” It’s to be a good deal. 

Finally, if you want someone who lives with purpose, it’s time to pursue your own purpose. 

Life Update: My brother Jay finished an Olympic triathlon! I was happily eating a hot dog and drinking a beer.