I remember hearing the early complaint about this blog was that there wasn’t enough “Connor” in it. 

I never took this to heart because all of my pseudo-intellectual ramblings were organized reflections of the ideas popping around through my neurons. It was always transparent to me that these blog posts couldn’t be a better reflection of who I am. They were my thoughts…

But, I know what people really wanted.. More life details. Direct information. So I’d try to sprinkle in a post like this. 

So, what have I learned after 2 years of looking and 1 year of finding a relationship?

Nomading:

There’s no way to sugarcoat it; it is a lonesome endeavor much of the time. 

I kept busy. I likely met over a thousand people in my travels. Most of those relationships were pretty surface-level. A good chunk were fun and interesting. But only a few people provided real companionship. And that’s what we really need to feel connected.

Quick Hits: Winter time is rough during nomadding. A busy schedule of things you enjoy, and seeing the same people regularly, helps. Saying yes to the spontaneous kept it fresh. Coming home to Orlando occasionally recharged the batteries.

Mindset:

In my last “What have I learned” blog post, I mentioned that many people said, “You’d find her when you stop looking.” Which was kind of true. I saw my trip to Nashville as a pit stop and didn’t think much about dating. And BOOM, there she was.

In many ways, I had stopped seeing my journey as about dating and more about how to connect with people in a fragmented world.

Stages of Relationships:

Relationships, especially romantic ones, go in stages. So, advice for one stage isn’t so good for another stage. 

People who have been married for many years are likely to give bad advice to someone trying to woo a partner, even if they have good advice for how to keep a good one and look for the right things.

Emphasizing that you are a diligent dishwasher is not likely to create attraction on the first date. Ironically, many of the things that create ‘attraction’ are not great for long-term companionship, which is part of why dating is so tricky. Both are important. Finding a hot best friend is the goal.

I am still learning how to be in a long-term relationship. It’s fun to have a new challenge. And a cool person to do it with! But it’s definitely different from searching.

Attachment/Chemistry:

Attachment Styles are all the rage on the internet these days. And for good reason. Understanding how you experienced attachment as a child plays a big role in dating.

The people we find most attractive are typically people who quickly and easily create a feeling of the ‘familiar’ within us. This can be good if that familiar feeling is one of being safe, understood, and cared for. But, it can mess us up if it is a familiar feeling of being ignored or hurt.

Often, what we think is attraction is simply the replaying of childhood experiences. But going for the same type of person can keep us trapped in a pattern of unfulfilling relationships. Instead of embracing people as they are, we project fantasies onto them, blinding us from real connection. 

This was something I grew in awareness of as I went.

When we think we are a victim of another person or of circumstances, we should take a hard look in the mirror and ask, “What am I bringing to cause this?”

It takes two to tango.

The Internal vs External Journey:

I remember after I wrote my post about the False Dawn feeling a sense of irony. It emphasized that we tend to focus on the external journey, when it’s the internal journey that really sticks with us.

 I told my brother it was kind of ironic that I was writing this post and continuing to complain about it being hard to find someone in the world.

I was focused on how difficult it was to find someone in my “How Many Fish are in the Sea?” blog post. However, that is only half the battle. The interplay between our internal worlds and the external world spurs us to grow personally and transform the world.

I was growing frustrated about not being the person I needed to be to create a good relationship. The smartphone, not being present, and attachment issues were all keeping me stuck.

Coming Unstuck:

I am glad I went on this journey. I may not have known all the different adventures I’d have. I didn’t know what lessons I would learn. I didn’t know the people I’d meet. 

But, it was the intention to live life as if it mattered and openness to the things to come that made it worthwhile, no matter the outcome.

31 years of life had taught me that opening up is a big risk, but it is also necessary to grow.

The Last Lesson: 

About 6 months into the Journey, I started to go for a morning walk. I had heard that getting the sun in your eyes early on helps your sleep and circadian rhythm.

At first, I looked like a weirdo. I would put on my headphones and listen to a podcast as I looked DIRECTLY at the sun! It was okay.

Eventually, I stopped bringing my phone with me and stopped looking at the sunrise. I decided I wanted the walk to just be for me. Just to be present.

This is way harder than it sounds. For the first 15 minutes of the walk, I would be flooded with negative emotions. All my stress, doubts, and negative self-talk would come bubbling to the surface. Which is why I wore the headphones in the first place.

But, I decided to persevere. I kept the headphones out of my head and eventually, all those negative thoughts faded. I learned that this period of boredom was a space for me to emotionally process. Which usually meant that there was some stress or anxiety eating away at me, and I had the opportunity to just let it go.

I learned that I had many irrational, fear-based, and ego-based thoughts that needed to come up, be acknowledged, and finally let go of. 

This morning ritual I created gave me the space to escape my ego, listen to the birds sing, hum a catchy melody from childhood(Alouette anyone?), come up with a catchy new blog post, and let go of this pervasive belief that infects almost the entire human race that my life is the center of everything. 

Each morning, I have this moment of calm and peace. Then I open my laptop and get to work trying to win and accomplish and succeed. 

But I know the next morning the birds will still be there, singing their songs, and will be completely indifferent to my presence. To my thoughts. To my problems.

And what a joy that is. To be small in a big world.

On to the next adventure…