The Purpose Driven Date

A friend in Austin recently chided me for not discussing my feelings in the blog. I admit guilt. I hold these pesky feelings back because of my fear of all things internet and because I tend to intellectualize everything, as evidenced by the assortment of topical posts in the blog. I will do a series of posts about the most persistent emotions and how I deal with them. Alas, let’s dive in. 

We make most of our decisions reasoning by analogy. Which means we look at what others are doing and mimic them. Especially those that are succeeding. There is nothing inherently wrong with this method. If you don’t know what to do, following another’s lead is sensible.

However, the people who tend to change the game and push the world forward typically reason from first principles. Unfortunately, most crazy people also reason from first principles. So, it’s kind of a high-risk, high-reward strategy.

If everyone is telling you, “You are crazy,” there is a 90% chance you are crazy and a 10% chance you have seen something no one else has.

Ultimately, most people prefer going down with the Titanic, knowing they made the same mistake as everyone else, rather than circumnavigating the globe in a sailboat with everyone telling them they’re gonna die alone.

The most exciting part of this adventure for me is that it’s the first adventure I have gone on where the vision was entirely my own. I came up with it based on reasoning from first principles, knowing the full context of my life.

This is a blessing. But, it comes with a persistent feeling of self-doubt. 

I go to events where I know no one. I tell brand new acquaintances I am ‘nomadding’ or ‘wife-hunting.’ I have nothing to do if I don’t have the courage to find things to do and go do them. I spend nights alone. If I fail, I have nobody to blame but myself.

In these moments, I experience self-doubt. Am I doing the right thing? Am I crazy? There may be good reasons why this is the first time anyone is doing this.

I have had these feelings in the past. I have them now. Then it stands to reason I will likely have them in the future. So, How do I deal with them?

The most potent tool is framing.

Framing is the default perspective you take when finding out new information. The most recognizable of these would be the Optimist vs Pessimist. 

The Optimist frames the world by expecting their sports team to win, bets it all on black, and ardently believes Tupac is still alive. Ironically, this makes them miserable because the world constantly falls short of their expectation.

The Pessimist frames the world expecting to get broken up with, World War 3, and an undefeated perfect Florida State football team to get snubbed from the “playoffs” by a bunch of empty suit wearing, corporate, mother… control yourself. Again, ironically, this leads to light-heartedness because every good thing is a pleasant surprise that exceeds your expectations.

Unfortunately, being a pessimist is hacky because we all have high hopes and dreams and it’s fake to ignore them. But we do have a choice over how we frame the emotions and experiences of life. Some frames guarantee hopelessness, helplessness, and healthlessness(I just needed another ‘h’). Other frames can transform your life.

Some of my favorite frames: 

• Instead of always trying to be right, I am proud of myself anytime I admit I am wrong. I’d rather have a posture of learning than be a know-it-all.
• For first dates, rather than analyze if I am compatible with someone, I try to be curious about them and be grateful to meet a new person and learn about their life.
• When I feel discouraged, lost, or tired, I remind myself that I signed up for this. If I’m not uncomfortable and challenged, then I am probably not growing. That’s the life I want. So, why be surprised when it’s hard?

It’s a little self-helpy. Sounds like something out of Forrest Gump. But, it ain’t wrong.

Life Update: Having a lot of fun in Austin a couple months in.

Two-Stepping my way across Texas. Did a bit of Salsa too.

Also, had a nice hike through Zilker Park.

As my last post so unartfully displayed, Economists have a well-earned reputation as the practitioners of the “dismal” science. The prognosis for the fertility crisis is rather bleak, but I think we will figure it out, much the way human beings solve most long-term problems.

But first, we need to identify the causes of fertility dropping from the historical average of 5-8 births per woman to the low levels we see today. They are multi-faceted. Note that given the increase in life expectancy and decrease in childhood mortality, the fertility rate had to drop substantially to avoid living in a world with 100 billion people.

Over the past century, Women’s education has taken off at an incredible rate. While this is probably the best social change over that time for a plethora of reasons, it also significantly negatively correlates with the number of children a woman will have. Not only have women excelled in education, but they have blown past men so rapidly that many highly educated women can’t find men that match their education level.

However, the causes are numerous. 

Sperm counts are cratering. Soon, the median man will be infertile. This is likely due to parabens, phthalates, and other man-made chemicals in the water supply, hygienic products, and cooking products. Men may also be less interested in dating due to testosterone rates similarly dropping. Widely available contraception has also allowed people to control fertility decisions in previously impossible ways. 

Additionally, mimicry is a potent societal force. It used to be expected to have families with 4-7 kids, but now people raise their eyebrows when they hear that. 1-3 children has become the more standard expectation for families. 

Student loans saddling young people with debt, exploding housing prices reducing home ownership, and the high cost of childcare are all economic issues that prevent people from feeling financially capable of raising children.

Lastly, our current technological age has caused loneliness and breakdowns of community life. Internet communities are not adequate replacements. Historically, Most people met their significant others from their social circles. Dating apps have proven how hard it is to meet people in a more atomized individualistic world.

It’s stunning how many forces are all pointing in the same direction. It kinda seems like modern life isn’t well suited to… well life. 

Governments are crafting policies to turn it around, but at best, they can only affect the economic problems. Early indications are that these policies are having a minimal impact.

Long-term collective action problems are very tricky to solve. Sometimes, technology, governments, or cultural movements can help. But, usually, they are only solved once the problem becomes so severe and painful that everyone bands together and does the work necessary to solve it.

Far in the future, some cultural movements will probably solve it. 

In the meantime, I see my journey as part of the search for solutions in this particular cultural moment. A moment where people are struggling to connect with one another. A moment where we find ourselves in a radically different environment than people are used to living in.

Life Update: I am officially in Austin, Texas and started my Sketch Comedy class, which will hopefully improve my writing.

And there are cats at the airbnb… That’s a first for me.

I needed a break. So I took a trip away from my trip to London to catch a few soccer matches, some plays, and see an old friend from the Camino. I also caught covid on the way back. Nonetheless, it gave me time to reflect on how it had gone so far. 

I am 6 months and two cities in. I was hoping for a quick resolution to my journey, fixing this blog’s reputation as not only silly but also exceedingly brief. 

Alas, failure is failure. But, it is also a learning opportunity, fun, and all part of the process. I am perfectly satisfied to be patient and keep on grinding. Along the way, I’m meeting many people, seeing more of the country, and pushing myself outside the usual comfort zone. 

Quality of Life: 

I initially imagined working most days at Coffee shops (despite my dislike of coffee) to be more social and connected to the area. In actuality, I have spent more time working at my Airbnb due to the convenience and the difficulty of remote meetings in a public place. However, I did come across a remote workers’ office in Raleigh where you can rent a desk next to other remote workers. I will look into this at my next stop. 

Where to meet people: 

I have done well setting up a weekly schedule where I regularly see my soccer teammates, volleyball teammates, improv class, and pickup ultimate frisbee. The routine helps me feel connected to a community. I also went to Notre Dame, FSU, and Arsenal game-watches for one-off events and met some cool people. I need to put more effort into non-sports-related activities in the next city. Sporty chicks are great, but I think it’s limiting my pool. There is a website called Meetup.com where groups of people with common interests will schedule events. I am considering joining a book club or a creative writing class. The key is doing things you enjoy regardless of whether you meet anyone. Going to a social event solely hoping to meet someone is dreadful. 

Meeting new people: 

What I simultaneously dreaded and looked forward to most was all the awkward social situations I encountered. Going to parties, the movie theater, sports, or wherever else by myself and not knowing a soul is irrationally daunting. Walking up to new people and striking up a conversation literally has no stakes. Half the time, it will be a good conversation and maybe a new friendship. The other half of the time goes nowhere. But who cares? There are no consequences to having a bad social interaction in a random city. I have gotten better at it, but it’s still draining, so I try to give myself some nights to relax. 

Standards: 

My standards have not changed. Regarding dating apps, the best strategy is to be very selective; otherwise, it’s a huge waste of time and emotional energy. In real life, I am open to hanging out with anyone who will make the time and is present. 

Mindset: 

Some people have interpreted my journey as a sign of desperation or trying too hard. People say, “You’ll only find her once you stop looking.” Statistically, that seems crazy to me, but I think there is an underlying point that you don’t want to press. Generally, I’m not very anxious and am pretty relaxed with most people I meet. I’d like to meet someone, but I’m perfectly fine being patient. 

Taking Peoples Advice:

People have strong opinions on my journey. I love hearing them! Sometimes, they change my mind or give me a new perspective. Often, they run counter to my values and experiences. Keep sharing your advice! Just don’t be offended if I don’t heed it.

Tiles from the British Museum from the middle ages that depicted Jesus as a prankster. I found them amusing. And below my friend and I at the Fulham match at Craven Cottage.

Two of my core fears are being inauthentic and being unoriginal. So, you can imagine my reaction to the annual question: “What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?” It feels untruthful to answer it if I am not feeling gracious at that moment. It’s also unoriginal because everyone I know lists the same three things: Family, Friends, and Florida State being 11-0 in Football. If it’s asked on Thanksgiving day, I am probably answering stuffing (Which should be socially acceptable year round!). I mean, what else is there…

Despite the utter perilousness of answering this simple question, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. There is something about Gratitude that seems essential for human flourishing. 

This time of year brings out many articles extolling gratitude’s benefits on mental health, physical health, and virtually everything else. Gratitude is nearly universally recognized in different religious and cultural traditions. If it is so great, why do we often get stuck in resentment and complaining?

For one, Human beings are primarily good at identifying and solving problems. Spending time being self-satisfied is not useful. The hustle never stops. But secondly, gratitude is not meant to be verbalized. There is nothing cathartic about making a list of positive things. You could just as easily list negative things in life and turn it into pros vs cons. Scary to dwell on if your cons list is longer than your pros.

Ultimately, gratitude is an experience. That’s why it’s best expressed as a holiday and a communal meal. We can all come together and be present with the people we are most connected to.

Doing this blog and journey has been a vulnerable experience, as I really do hate drawing attention to myself. This can be attested by my 0 social media posts in the preceding ten years. But, it has come with the great reward of connecting with lots new people and has deepened many of my existing relationships.

Life Update:

 I have returned to Orlando for Thanksgiving and am planning on staying through the Holidays. I am deciding whether to go to Austin or Dallas next starting in January. I am also debating putting it up as a poll and letting the readers decide for me. For now, I am leaning towards Austin.

I really liked Raleigh. Experiencing fall as a Floridian is always a treat. It changes the way you experience time passing in a way that Florida just doesn’t have. 

I met many cool people and there were many more girls there that were closer to what I am looking for. 

I went to the Florida State Wake Forest game with a friend who came up from Florida.

My Volleyball team “Spikea” is full of awesome people and we were really good until we got to the playoffs both seasons.

These are some pictures of the beautiful Duke Chapel. I got to so to some football games there, but couldn’t get a ticket for basketball.

There is a piffy scene in How I Met your Mother (starting @ 2:10) where Ted is skeptical that he needs a science-based matchmaker to find his future wife, only to be bullied by said matchmaker with a calculator. 

The Matchmaker uses Demographic data, probabilities, and compatibility guesstimates to slowly whittle the 9 million New Yorkers to 8 potential women. Ted caves under the pressure of the impossibility in finding one of those 8 women and signs up for the service, only to find out, by unfortunate probability, he doesn’t have a single match.

I have always loved this scene, probably due to my love of data and probabilities. I have decided to test this theory myself and see how many fish there are in Raliegh:

We will start with a general count of how many Single women there are: 1.8 million people live in the Raleigh Durham area. 50% of them are women. Assuming an appropriate Age Range of 24-34, Census data indicates about 13% of the population is in that age range. Pew Research says about 35% of those are single. And only 50% of them are looking for a relationship. 93% are straight. That leaves us with 19,042 total available women. Or roughly 1% of the population.

But we also have to account for compatibility. These weights, I admit, are more subjective and would change depending on the person. Hopefully, I would meet someone of roughly similar levels of intelligence (20%), with mutual attraction (20%), and similar values/life goals/philosophy/religious perspectives (only 10% due to the Babelling of America). Even with all of this, you may have different interests or hobbies (35%). Leaving 27 compatible women out of 1,800,000 people. Or 0.0015% of all the people in Raliegh.

I’m not done. There is one X-Factor that, even if a woman has all of those qualities, might still prevent it from working out. That’s the ineffable spark. At least for me, there has to be that intuitive feel of trust and comfort around that person. I can feel the collective eye roll of all those married people out there. “Doesn’t he know the spark fades?” I do know, but married people forget how hard it is to get a relationship going without it. It’s damn near impossible. 

It’s hard to put a percentage on it, but if she has all those other qualities, I am going to guess 33% for the sake of getting on with the blog. For a final tally of 9 women in Raliegh (0.0005%).

Intuitively and based on experience, this seems about right to me. When I was in a bad mental state, this thought was depressing to me. How are you supposed to find a needle in a haystack this massive? 

For me, the answer is Radical Openness. Improv, Volleyball, Soccer, Creative Writing Class, Join Instagram(even though I hate social media), write a blog, Meetups, dating apps, AI dating, and just meet as many people as you possibly can. Even if you don’t meet them, you may meet someone who can set you up.

Unfortunately, it’s more than finding the person. You must also strike up a conversation that creates chemistry, attraction, and connection. 

Against such long odds, what ought we do? Well, thankfully, life is not rational. Everything that happens in the universe is virtually impossible until it happens. 

Scientists say that 99.999…% of all possible universes collapse into nothingness or explode into emptiness. We just happen to live in a perfectly tuned universe that has giant floating rocks🪐 that circle gianter explosions ⭐. And one of those rocks has the right amount of elements and stays at the perfect temperature for life to flourish. Then, out of billions of species, one emerged with abstract intelligence. Then, each one of us survived the traumatic events of childhood, making our way through a dangerous world where one wrong decision can end it all. Yet, here we all are.

If you have beaten all of those odds, then you can find love. Beating the odds is what we do. Being rational is not.

Some Pictures from my trip up to Louisville for my neice’s, Juliana, Baptism. And my first fall in 7 years. The drive up to Louisville was gorgeous, especially through West Virginia.

Quick Blog Update: I have finally found out how to subscribe to my own blog. WordPress does not make it obvious. I attached a picture of where to click to subscribe your email address.

Upon trying to extricate myself from the life I built in Orlando, I had the unfortunate task of informing and explaining my “Wife-Hunting” decision to many poor souls: my boss, coworkers, friends, family, and various communities I had entrenched myself within. Thus exposing myself to the possibility of tremendous ridicule and drawing an uncomfortable amount of attention to myself, which is frequently a nightmare of mine. Despite this, I continue to lay bare my vulnerabilities with each subsequent blog post.

Why do I do this to myself if I dislike attention so…? 

Well, for one, there was a popular demand for it. And two, the conversations I have about the trip are truly special. Often, after years of surface-level conversations, discussing this trip will spur people to open up unexpectedly.

One of my more adventurous compatriots said, “Wouldn’t it kind of suck if you met her on the first day of your trip in Jacksonville? You’d better take her with you to the next few cities if you do.” I think we have different definitions of the word “suck” because meeting the love of my life would definitely not be an experience I would describe that way. But I get the sentiment. 

And it has actually been a repeat topic of discussion. What’s more meaningful: the journey or the destination? The obvious answer is both.

 Instantly reaching the destination is a rather brief and boring story. Human beings aren’t great at feeling satisfaction upon achieving a goal anyway. We want something our whole lives, then 5 minutes after we get it, we think about what’s next.

Additionally, there is little romance or excitement on a road to nowhere. In fact, the grander your goal, the more deeply you feel each twist and turn on the journey.

Manalive by GK Chesterton is probably the stupidest book I have read, making it just stupid enough to accurately display a critical and ridiculous principle of life. The book centers on the trial of Innocent Smith. He is accused of burglary, attempted murder, abandoning his wife, and adultery. (Spoilers Ahead)

Each accusation, seemingly supported by conclusive evidence, gives way to absurd explanations that prove Innocent innocent. Go Figure. While he did, in fact, break into a house, the house happened to be owned by himself. While he did shoot bullets near people, he only did it so that they would value life. While he did abandon his wife to pursue another woman, the other woman happened to be his own wife in disguise.

So, What’s the principle of this strange story? 

Sometimes, you must leave your home and travel the world over just to experience the sheer joy of coming back home. Or in other words, there is only one thing better than being home, and that is coming home.

It would be wonderful if we could achieve a goal and just be content. But, unfortunately, we live in a dynamic world where contentedness will quickly turn you into a do-nothing blob. The best we can hope for is the promise of each new day. Each day, we get the opportunity to pursue the things we love. Each day, we get the opportunity to navigate our way through all the naivety and cynicism the world throws at us in the hope of finding meaning.

In the spirit of adventure, I have carefully crafted a playlist of the best songs I have been listening to on the way. And yes, it is as sappy as I am. But, IMHO it’s pretty epic.